Pygmy Takeover

by Walter Burien

To the forty:

Folks:

I just found out confidentially that there is a tribe of pygmies in the Amazon that was overlooked.

They number about 25,000, and they have lived in their primitive ways for over 4000 years with virtually no change, and no outside contact. They have over 200,000 acres of the richest land on earth. Gold, silver, gems, and much more.

I need about 40 volunteers to join me in taking over all that the pygmies have.

It should be easy. They have never seen anyone else from outside of their tribe.

When we get there, they will be amazed and fearful of us. If we take it slow at first, they will look up to us as gods, and if we play our cards right, we can tell them what to do, and they will do it out of their fear of us. Once we have our foothold, we can introduce some simple laws saying to them, these laws are standard and good every where else in the world.  What would they know? We can force our laws in this arena out of their naivety and ignorance.

We can use some of their resources which they do not know are valuable, sell them, and take some of the money to build up their community with things we want, and if properly promoted to the pygmies, they will be further amazed with us, and think we are helping them out. Everything we do for them will be new to them, so we can exemplify that all is good, and all is great. They are so ignorant, they will not realize that they are loosing control of their own lives and property, to us. This is going to be so easy!

Hey, if we continue to play our cards right, most of them will even thank us.   

We have to be careful though. They are 25,000, and we will only be 40. They have those blow guns that shoot poison darts. If they catch on that we are plunderers and not benevolent gods, we might have a big problem. So what we will do, is promote the danger of blow guns in the hands of the wrong pygmies. We can stage a few incidents of blow gun misuse. We will make the general pygmy population question the safety of having all pygmies possessing blow guns. Now, they have used them for over 4000 years, but with all of the changes we will be bringing into their lives, we can make the danger sound like it is a new development, and then we can move forward without too much opposition.

We must first have the pygmies license their blow guns. Then we can put a licensing fee on their blow guns.  We can target the strongest and most fearless pygmies for violations of our new laws and confiscate their blow guns, and maybe all of their other property. 

At this point, even though these pygmies are backwards and naive, they may start thinking twice as to why we are taking their blow guns away. To avoid any opposition, we at this point must introduce our best tool for control. 

I know a group of bible thumpers who would love to convert these barbaric savages.  We can selectively bring in a few and now the pygmies will be confronted with the unseen God. This will take their attention off of their new visible gods, us, and we can now go about our business of securing our plunder.  

If by some chance the pygmies catch on to our plundering, we can squeeze the bible thumpers to assure the pygmies that we will get ours, when we face the all powerful unseen God. They can also assure the pygmies that the confusion, hurt, and anguish they feel as our plunder grows, will all disappear when they die and stand before the unseen God.  

We better make sure those few bible thumpers are content and preach strong and loud. This venture is exclusively for atheists, so we are getting ours now! And my is it so easy getting ours now dealing with these primitives who jump at our every word.

If all goes well, in probably less that 20 or 30 years, we will own all of the resources, the land, and the pygmies themselves. Then, if we choose, we can think of a way to eliminate 90% of the pygmy population. We won't need them anymore. We will have all that they own. They will just be nuisances, and a real  potential liability to our control that we have secured.  

It should be pretty easy to eliminate them. We can destroy that pygmy twin tree alter that we let them keep, and blame it on a neighboring hostile pygmy tribe. Once we get a war going, in the confusion, we can eliminate our pygmy population, and most of the neighboring tribe as well. Hey, we can kill two birds with one stone. It will take us 30 years to take over this tribe, and if we are successful, with the other tribe defeated, we can take over that one too in probably less than 5 years. My is plundering so sweet! 

Let's make sure we keep a few of the pygmies around for our pleasure though. A "good" pygmy is a terrible thing to waste! We will keep a couple of the good workers, and a few of the best females to have our way with. 

We have to move fast on this one. The rest of the world has already been plundered. Easy opportunities like this one only come along once in a life time!  Keep this communication confidential. We do not want to tip off other plunderers, of this great new find, or we may loose this opportunity to another. The wealth we can secure here if we play our cards right is obscene, so hush is the word.  

The requirements you must possess if you want to be one of the 40 on this venture are: You must be an atheist. Your family values can only apply to your family, no other. We need 5 attorneys, 3 police officers, 1 judge, 10 social services workers, 1 architect, 2 engineers, 8 diligent 503C preachers, 4 school administrators, 6 blow gun administrators, and 10 general bureaucrats.

Keep in mind that, if you choose to participate in this venture, you can do anything you wish to do as long as you do not interfere with our overall game plan.

Sex, drugs, sadomasochism, whatever you choose, as long as you don't cause a problem for our overall objectives for plunder and takeover of all that the pygmies possess. 

We can play those ignorant savages every time. They will believe anything we tell them. Before they wise up to the plunder, it will be to late for them to do anything about it. So as long as we agree to work together, and not deviate from the plan, success will be secured, and ours! 

Upon completion of this venture, you can keep your plunder, or sell it and move on. The choice is yours. Their are no restrictions on what you do with your plunder. Your only walking orders will be to maximize the plunder for the 40 until the venture is complete.  There is one warning I will give you up front: If you, for some strange reason, become a pygmy sympathizer, you will be immediately eliminated. No exceptions! The prize is to great to be jeopardized by any loose canons.  

If this is the venture and opportunity that you have always dreamed of, please send your confidential resume to: Office of Homeland Security, attention: Intake Planning Department, general delivery, PA.  Once the 40 positions have been filled, the offer will be closed. Anyone who is not selected to be with the 40, don't fret. We expect 3 or 4 pygmy sympathizers to crop up out of the 40, (it always happens) and their positions will be immediately filled by those on the waiting list.

Keep in mind that this venture is confidential. If you mention it to others, whereby you jeopardize the easy plunder for the 40, you will be swiftly dealt with to silence your breech of confidentiality.

Well, here's wishing for a prosperous year, and good plundering to come.

Yours Truly,

WJB

NOTE: If this confidential communication was sent to you in error, and you are not one of the selected few being considered for the 40, delete and disregard this offer.

November 20, 2001